Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Brunhilda Likes to Play With Dolls



Brunhilda here:
I have an extremely low tolerance for liars, manipulators and time wasters. That is why I am writing again about the River North condo. You know the one, dear reader. It's listed for sale and has the difficult tenants that I've written about before.The good news: the tenants packed up and moved out! Before they left, they became pretty nice about leaving the condo during showings. Even the little bugger was better behaved. I decided that they had learned their lesson about showing etiquette. I'm such a helpful alter-ego!

Now, however I have issues with the River North condo owner. Mr. and Mrs. Owner live out of state. They've told us that the recession has cost them their jobs, and they are working in lesser paying ones. I feel for them, really, I have feelings! Mr. Owner has been lowered to selling cars. Fabulous, another industry that is in the toilet.

An amazing thing just happened. We got a great offer on the place. They came in just $5000 under our asking price. That's pretty great when you consider that the place needs some pretty hefty updating. What with the 1980's mirrored wall in the dining room, the kitchen cabinets that have some peeling veneer, the hardwood floors need refinishing and the entire place just needs a whole lot of paint. Those were rough tenants!

To our utter shock, the owner was troubled with the offer. It's a cash deal! They want to close in 4 weeks! We can negotiate the price a bit, but this is a terrific offer, we tell him. He said he needs them to come up in price. OK we say, let's counter his offer to get him closer to our asking price. He responds by saying he needs the offer to be OVER THE ASKING PRICE! When was he going to tell Randee that little bit of news? Can't sell it for the asking price? He doesn't have the money to go to closing? Is Anthrax through the mail still a crime?

I have this wonderful little doll. It has some amazing abilities. It seems that if I stick my long sharp pins into it here or give the limbs a twist there while I focus my anger very clearly, there will be an interesting affect on the object of my anger. 




Mr. Owner says he has to think about it a bit. Right now though, he needs to go lay down. He suddenly has a terrible headache or eye ache or something. He will call back later. Randee asks him to discuss the offer with Mrs. Owner and call back within the hour. "I will", he says, "but I just have to go now. My right arm is killing me too!"

This is Brunhilda signing off for now. But this isn't over! And do I need to say....don't tell Randee about my little doll. She ain't no Barbie!

 

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Flood, the Tenant and the Landlord



Brunhilda here:
They shouldn’t have messed with my lovely client. Though a renter she may be.
When the guy above flooded the place, they said we will fix it in a hurry.
That was the last nice thing they said. My client had to find another bed.
A hotel stay with her pup cost a ton, she didn’t worry, she trusted them.

She thought people always keep their word. But this landlord is a giant turd.

Out of her home for nearly 4 weeks, the place was wet and began to stink
The building sent in the crew to replace carpet and walls
Her belongs were tossed, clothes were piled up in big balls.
Frustrated and angry she decided to give Randee a call.

Come out come out Mr. Landlord, let’s play!
Brunhilda is here and she’s going to stay.
You can’t do this to our innocent tenant
Take care of her stuff, make that payment.

We ask them to come check the unit right now.
The man comes in and waves his hand just for show.
This is fixed and ready, she should move back in today.
But, first she must pay last month’s rent right away.

Randee says fine, then you refund 4 weeks right back, stat! 
He said he’d do no such thing; why is the dryer leaning like that?
I say, gee look over here, and I place him on the side where it leans.
Now I am going shopping for some great skinny jeans.

The tenant settles with everyone else, suddenly everything is as it should be.
You can tell, no one will believe you. Randee is so little, how could she?

Brunhilda, signing off! Have a nice day!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Brunhilda Does A Job For The Mob?


Brunhilda here,
Finally, a reasonable week. No crooks, cuckoos, or evil-doers. I've had the pleasure of staying under the radar. As the alter-ego of the gentle real estate agent, you only get to know me when someone pushes my buttons.  But not this week. This week we worked with strong buyers, had good showings at our listings, and we had a good walk- through for a closing scheduled for Monday. Can't complain about this week. A little boring.
How about another story from the past: I'm exhausted from keeping secrets.
She came to us as a referral from a doorman. We were living in Streeterville at the time. A much desired, new construction, luxury high rise with lots of glass and concrete. This buyer was only interested in our building. She walked into the lobby looking a lot like Michelle Pfieiffer in  the 1988 film "Married to the Mob. Dark hair all puffed up, tight, tight jeans, sparkly top, heavy make up and high-spiky shoes. She must have been about 40 years old, if I were to be kind, which I am not. She chose a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom unit with a view of the park and lake. We made a very reasonable offer. Great!. It got accepted. Even better! When it was time for earnest money to be deposited, there was no problem. She said she was divorced but her Ex was going to give her the money to buy the condo. Her attorney verified this info. The check was handed over to the listing agent for deposit. No problem. Yet the listing agent kept calling. He said he had a bad feeling about her. Funny, we just weren't into the ESP or whatever.
Two days before closing, Ms Mob Chick went missing. No return of phone calls. No walk through request. No communication with her attorney. Gone! Randee wondered if her Ex really was a mob guy. The attorney had slipped a couple of times and said something about not wanting to mess with him. Now what?
Well, I, Brunhilda tracked her down the day after the NO-SHOW never closing, closing. She said she wasn't able to close, period! Now I didn't want to wait for her Ex to EXplain, so I took matters into my own hands. Now she's wearing concrete heels and swimming with da-fishes.
Speaking of fish, there's a new seafood restaurant I'm dying to try. Well, may be not dying.
Hey, I shared this with you, but don't tell Randee. She thinks the lady was punished enough by losing her $78k earnest money deposit. So, seriously, don't tell! I know you!

Friday, October 9, 2009

He Had it Coming


Brunhilda here:
Since last I wrote we've been busy. We have new buyers who really love Chicago. They're terrific. There has been an uptick in showing requests for our listings, which is nice. Its the 4th quarter of 2009 and it hasn't been a great year. But hope for a good finish is growing.
Meanwhile, back at the cursed listing in the River North neighborhood I keep talking about. We've got a showing request. The agent requesting is a fast talking guy. He's coming in the middle of a busy Saturday afternoon. For once we are thrilled to find the tenants have vacated for the day. When the agent arrives, we are struck by an overwhelming scent of nasty big cigar. Let me paint the picture. He swaggers in with a half-smoked but unlit cigar in hand. The only thing missing in this picture is a big black cape a mustache and a large black fedora. He's alone. He's representing himself as a buyer. Randee greets him with her usual sunny smile.
Have you ever noticed how men with big cigars also seem to have giant personalities? Not the good kind. Well, this guy fits the bill. He walks through the condo like a cop at a crime scene. It goes something like this: "Man look at that kitchen, there's some mess, and how about the floors in this joint! Well that bathroom will need a buzz-saw. The master bedroom, was that done in the 80's? I thought this was built in the 90's. Geez, babe, this is a real gut job." Now, Randee knows this place needs work, so she isn't fazed by his vibrato. But I find him quite grating! He continues; "Its too bad, honey, cuz this building's real nice and the location is a dream. Tell you what, I'm gonna make an offer, take this dog off your hands". He then names a number that is $100,000 under the asking price. He says, "I got to get my guys in here to gut the whole place. It's gonna cost me a fortune." He rubs the cigar between his fingers and points it at Randee. She stays pretty cool and tells Mr. Stinky Big Cigar Jerk to put his offer in writing. His answer; "Ya know doll, I will do that right after you call the seller with my verbal offer". Now the unlit cigar is hanging out of his mouth as he plasters a big crooked smile on his face. Randee asks, "What company are you with again?" He answers with his own name. Hmmmm, is he even for real, she wonders? She nicely replies that she will not call her owners with an offer that isn't in writing. She even quotes her managing broker, "A verbal offer isn't worth the paper it isn't written on". She again, says, "If you're serious about your offer, please put it in writing."
This schmo takes a bold step towards Randee with his unlit cigar pointing at her. He says," Now listen doll face, I have saved agents with crappy properties more times than you have sneezed."

Well, that was it for me! Mr. Stinky Big Cigar Jerk! Somehow that cigar just ended up getting pushed down his chunky little throat.

After disposing of the mess, we locked up and headed out to do another showing in the Streeterville neighborhood. On the way, we pass the most adorable little puppy. Don't cute little puppies just make you smile!

Brunhilda signing off for today. Don't tell little Randee, she just couldn't take it.